Category Archives: You plonker

A notable skive

In October 2006, Henry Bingham a man from Wyoming who wanted time off told his workmates that his two year-old-daughter had died. At first, his plan went swimmingly – he was allowed compassionate leave, his sympathetic colleagues clubbed together to give him more than $1300 and his labor union chipped in with some cash too.

The one thing that Bingham hadn’t counted on was someone from his office telephoning his wife to offer condolences – and her telling them that the child was actually alive and well.

Bingham was quickly arrested by the local sheriff for obtaining property under false pretences – a charge with a maximum jail sentence of 10 years. He told a sheriff’s deputy that he made up the story to try to get time off from work, but, strangely, he was unable to explain why he had taken the money – and why, indeed, he had in fact continued to turn up at work.

2 Comments

Filed under Blogroll, Fired, You plonker

All Hung Up

Not long after I took up a job in New York I was asked to wine and dine some potential clients and to generally impress them with a night out in the Big Apple. The wining and dining went fine. I was even feeling pretty pleased with myself – and hoping that the clients were pleased with me.

But things took a turn for the very worst when my guests – who were even newer to the metropolis than me – asked me to take them to a club. I knew of only one place – and I only knew of this because I’d been given a flier for it that morning when I was coming out of the subway.

I knew I’d made a mistake when we walked into the club (where there was no queue, which perhaps retrospectively, I should have taken as a bad sign) and there was a faint and very strange tang in the air. I couldn’t make much else out as the room was really dark, which in a sense I considered a blessing since that meant I didn’t have to make eye contact with anyone else.

I realised the true extent of my error when a shot light suddenly shone onto the stage in front of us and I saw a naked 16 stone man being lowered from the ceiling on hooks. There followed some horrible activity with a dwarf which it pains me to remember even now – and a prolonged and quite severe bout vomiting from a seriously unimpressed client. I haven’t been asked to ‘entertain’ since.

Leave a comment

Filed under Blogroll, Nudity!, Party politics, You plonker

A Grade A Date

In 2002 Jacqueline Kim made the mistake of emailing her unusually materialistic assessment of her date (good kisser, nice car, needs to get a haircut and shower her with presents if he wants to keep her) to a few friends outside her office – some of whom promptly forwarded it on for the delight and amusement of a large proportion of the internet community.

From: Jacqueline Kim…

Subject: The dish…

The update

Well…Mr. Casey O’Brien showed up at my door at about 8:15ish. Sporting a pair of cute jeans, a button up and a black jacket. For his outfit I would give him about a B. As for looks, he was cute but on the shorter side and his hair was a little too long. Far from a mullet but longer than I would prefer but let’s not dwell on that because he can kinda get away with it. So for looks, I would probably give him another B. Car- BMW, like I stated before. A great car, he’ll have to get and A for that. He gets and A+ for his manners and politeness. Marcie, he opened the car door everytime! Super polite. Overall general appearance will cap at a B+.

AS for the place we went to, another “A”. The Tasting Room is an excellent date place. I was never the wine connoisseur but I’m gradually thinking I could become one. We had 4 glasses each of different white wines and a cheese flight, which was the perfect food mecca to go with the wine. Place is awesome, I recommend all of you guys to attend this place for a night out with your man/woman. We also headed over to this place called the Black Duck. Another great place! The date place itself gets an overall “A”.

By the way Girls- this summer we must hang out on Randolph, so many awesome places!

I can go into great detail of what we talked about and such but, that would make for an extremely long email.

The date ended with me getting intoxicated but not like crazy intoxicated, but I was drunk. No hangovers. I’m assuming he was fairly intoxicated but since he was driving, I didn’t want to know, so I never asked.

By the way, as for myself, I get an overall A+ for how damn cute I looked. I sported a pair of fun longer Capri pants from Guess in a darker khaki color with my white shirt from Hanger 18, that has my lower back showing with my new cute fitted black jacket with empire sleeves from Armani. I was a BABE. He didn’t stand a chance. My worries of not being cute were so swept under the rug with the outfit I pulled off last night.

Before jumping to any conclusions, YES, I stayed the night, only because I semi passed out on his couch and he was polite to ask if I wanted to head home and I just said he could take me home in the morning, NOTHING happened. Honestly only a kiss derived from this date and it didn’t even happen at his place. I believe it might have been executed at the Black Duck but I’m not so sure on the exact time and location. But can I add, GREAT kisser. The date kiss gets an “A”. Really, I haven’t had that great of a kiss since, well we won’t go there but it has been a long time. I might have to go with the fact that I might have mastered the skill of French kissing, no joke. As long as I have potential to work with, I can execute a pretty intense kiss.

Lauren- you would have loved Casey’s attitude. Actually I think all of would have appreciated how he called me out on my stupid logic of thinking. Somehow, it came up on how random it was for us to meet and shit and how when he said the very first time we talked for me to give him a call and my response was, “Really, I’ll let you know now, I won’t call you, so I suggest you write my number down and give me a call”. Hence the wait of a week or so for his first initial call was due to my shallowness or whatever you would like to call my way of playing the field. Doesn’t really matter, he still called and I didn’t.

So, question is, where do I stand on the whole outlook of Mr. Casey O’Brien and the date…The car, the money, the job, the cute apartment, the boat-which by the way only seats 6 people, so I really don’t consider that really amazing, his mannerism and his great kiss will probably lock in another date but…I can tell you now unless he cuts his hair and sends me gifts, it won’t lead me to seek anything more than my 1st 30 year old FRIEND (Oh by the way, I think he’s only 29, but still, I’m rounding up). Plus, the summer is just around the corner and guys are EVERYWHERE, I need to keep the options open and my schedule free to lock in some other great summer flings…

Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed the day in the life of Miss Jackie Kim and please feel free to comment on my date, my outfit, the kiss, or whatever else. If you need any more major details of the date please contact me in one of the following ways: phone, email, personal visit or text messaging.

Oh, I might be heading to a Cubs game with him next week. We’ll see.

Oh by the way ladies- His cute friend Brian, is single and also a day trader.

Which by the way, being a day trader is pretty money, literally in a sense but he gets to throw on lounge wear for work and is home no later than Noon.

Are you kidding me? Where was being a day trader on career day in Elementary school?

________________
Jacqueline Kim
Major Gifts & Planned Giving
American Heart Association, Midwest Affiliate…

The subject of the assessment, Casey O’Brien later confirmed that this was a “pretty accurate” assessment of their evening together – and said they had even gone on a second date, until news of the increasingly infamous email terminated their budding relationship.

Meanwhile Jacqueline, who had put her office phone number as well as email contact details on the message, was inundated with enquiries from readers outraged by her singularly unromantic attitude (and near complete failure to comment on her date’s personality). Several of these correspondents claimed that they received the following standard reply:

The email that you are referring to was, indeed sent by me (along with a lot of cynicism) to my friends. I am sorry that it has been re-distributed and erroneously taken seriously so many times.

While I am sure that the email has offended you, I can assure you that your anger doesn’t equate to the feeling of being misunderstood by so many people you’ve never met. I will get over it, and hope you will to. Thanks for writing.

Sincerely,

Jackie

PS – Email is a powerful thing, I’ve learned my lesson and hope that many can learn from my mistake too. I do find it quite humorous that my original email has been rewritten by this time and does not even compare to the brief update that was originally written. I only deserve half the credit for my sarcastic email. The remaining props is rightly deserved to the many people I don’t know who have added a paragraph here and there and creatively put a spin on the original email.

1 Comment

Filed under Blogroll, hot-mails, office, replyalloops, romance, You plonker

Setting The Wrong Tone

I was five minutes late. It didn’t go down well with the power hungry new team leader. The proof was in that fact that I was publicly roasted and humiliated.

Not that there was much point being on time because all the phones had gone down – and to ice the cake, the computer system collapsed as well.

Free time, we thought… so I pulled out My MP3 got on with surfing the net…

Which, according to the team leader, “wasn’t appropriate.” I pointed out that the phones were down so it couldn’t interrupt anyone or my none existent work. This response, it seemed, wasn’t appropriate either. I learned that the hard way when she grabbed my arm (I still to this day don’t know why I didn’t put a claim in) drag me into a side room.

She laughed the physical abuse off with some nice quiet banter and reasoning about not undermining her authority. But when I decided to make a stand and said I was still going to listen to the MP3 player, Team leader went and got the office manager.

She point blank said that I was not supposed to be using the MP3 in work time – and that any personal electrical equipment including mobile phones should also be switched off. Fair enough. Meeting over.

I went back to my desk in a brown stew. Five minutes later the office manager came to talk to my team leader (who incidentally sits next to me). I realised that I’d forgotten to turn my phone off when, less than five words into their conversation, it started going off. To make things worse I also realised that the night before I’d foolishly set the ring tone to a very offensive song about bestiality. For further details see Blink 182.

It was a real ground-please-swallow-me-up moment. One that was made no easier by the fact that the while of the rest of the office saw and heard the whole thing and spent the rest of the morning laughing at my expense.

Leave a comment

Filed under badboss, Blogroll, office, You plonker

A load of bollocks

The fact that the office of the building firm I work for is completely open plan is annoying when I want to take a snooze, but does present some unique opportunities for amusement.

A few weeks ago for instance, we all witnessed a young man hurrying past our desks, looking harassed, and nervous and most definitely late for the interview he was due to attend in my boss’s cubicle.

My boss sat him down, quickly flicked through his CV, which he hadn’t bothered to read before and started off: “So then Harold…”

At this point I was a bit confused, because when I’d read through the CVs and help my boss decide on the candidates, I thought this guy was called John…

“How did you get here?” asked the boss, not the most welcoming of openings, considering the candidate’s clear anxiety about his lateness (and a bit harsh considering he was only actually five minutes past the due time).

“I got a lift.”

“Can’t you drive.”

“No.”

At this point the boss flicked through the CV again, clearly seemed to spot something which contradicted this answer, frowned and said: “Well then, you’re wasting my time.”

The young man looked mortified at being humiliated in front of so many people like this, not to mention the man he had hoped would soon employ him.

Unsure of the correct etiquette and whether to stay or go (I later learned that this was his first ever interview), he just sat in stunned silence as my boss proceeded to phone the recruitment consultancy who had sent him their way – and inform them that they were all a bunch of “bollocking morons” for sending him such “a lying little bollock” with such a lot of bollocks on his CV that they really should have checked before sending him on to him. Not to mention the fact that he was clearly a “dweeb:” who would be entirely unsuited to manning diggers and building site work – even if he could drive.

It was at this point that I finally twigged. My boss had the CVs mixed up and thought he was supposed to be interviewing a site manager rather than a graduate office intern.

When I went and whispered the sorry truth to him he was so embarrassed that he offered to hire the by now utterly bemused graduate on the spot.

1 Comment

Filed under badboss, Blogroll, Hired, office, swearing, You plonker

Bad council

In October 2006 David Clutterbuck, a 72 year-old Conservative councillor, found himself the laughing stock of the nation thanks to a joke he forwarded on to fellow council members at Bournemouth Borough Council.

Ironically enough, the joke itself was determinedly unfunny: a description of the trouble Noah would have floating his ark nowadays thanks to the need to consult planning rules, building regulations, environmental impact studies, fire and safety regulations and the RSPCA over animal welfare.

It was Mr Clutterbuck’s additional observation that raised eyebrows. “I imagine now it would be illegal to only have animals of the opposite sex!” he wrote and pressed, “reply all.”

Naturally, the more sensitive councillors in a town with a large and thriving homosexual population quickly spotted the potential offence his comments might cause – and shopped him to the papers.

“I don’t know whether I’m daft but I still don’t know what I have done to upset them so much,” responded Mr Clutterbuck in response to the subsequent furore. “I have never even remotely done anything against anyone who was homosexual.”

He added: “It’s absolute nonsense. I’m not apologising. I have not done anything wrong.”

When asked if he was homophobic, he replied firmly in the negative. “I’m not homophobic at all and I never have been.”

This admirable assertion was slightly muddied, however, by his subsequent remarks.

“I was brought up as a Christian and have Christian beliefs and I do think that certain things are wrong but these are my thoughts and I keep them to myself.

“Like a lot of people my age, until I was 18 it was an illegal offence and there are certain things that are inherent in us.

“As long as they do it behind closed doors I don’t mind, but they [homosexuals] control the media, the television. They have much stronger control than they should have.”

Mr Clutterbuck, who has been a councillor for 19 years, said he has had more than 100 emails supporting him. One of these emails stated: “Well done Mr Clutterbuck. It’s good to know there’s at least one Conservative left in the new Conservative party. Please don’t let them pressure you into apologising. Your country and sanity need you to stand your ground.”

It is unknown whether the writer was employing irony or not.

Leave a comment

Filed under Blogroll, Christianity, homophobia, hot-mails, replyalloops, You plonker