Category Archives: Fired

A notable skive

In October 2006, Henry Bingham a man from Wyoming who wanted time off told his workmates that his two year-old-daughter had died. At first, his plan went swimmingly – he was allowed compassionate leave, his sympathetic colleagues clubbed together to give him more than $1300 and his labor union chipped in with some cash too.

The one thing that Bingham hadn’t counted on was someone from his office telephoning his wife to offer condolences – and her telling them that the child was actually alive and well.

Bingham was quickly arrested by the local sheriff for obtaining property under false pretences – a charge with a maximum jail sentence of 10 years. He told a sheriff’s deputy that he made up the story to try to get time off from work, but, strangely, he was unable to explain why he had taken the money – and why, indeed, he had in fact continued to turn up at work.

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Filed under Blogroll, Fired, You plonker

Microsoft act hard

In October 2003 Microsoft fired a long-term temp after he posted a photograph on his blog of G5 computers from rival company Apple Macintosh being delivered to Microsoft’s Redmond company campus.

Hanscom, who worked at the MSCopy print shop, noticed a truckload of G5 Macs being delivered to the campus, and took a picture of them to post on his blog under the title ‘Even Microsoft wants G5s’ accompanied by the description: “Three palettes of Dual 2.0Ghz G5’s on their way in to somewhere deep in the bowels of Redmond.”

Within a week Microsoft got wind of the photo and Hanscom’s boss informed him that he was “no longer welcome on the Microsoft campus.”

In spite of the many messages of support Hanscom received when he posted this news on his blog too – and the thousands of messages full of vitriol against the giant American corporation, the forgiving blogger said he did not blame them. “I goofed. I regret it, but the damage is done.”

To see the original picture, click here.

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Rigorous Relationships

March 15, 2000

Today my department has a meeting scheduled in Lotus Notes as “Proposition Development Conclusion Meeting” – in English, this is supposed to be the meeting where we learn what it is our department actually does.

My department is called “Consulting” and we have an identity crisis. We are not a new department; we have just lost our way. We are in the business of communication, yet our product is ill understood. Even the departments adjacent to us have no idea what we do; yet all unanimously agree that we are very clever and fun people to go to the pub with.

This malaise began when a new director was appointed to “turn us around” – J is an experienced consultant with over twenty years in the industry. He drives a brand-new Jaguar and has one of the largest offices in the building. His office features an Aeron Chair and life-size cardboard image of Elvis with J’s own face. None of us know what he actually does, although we all agree that he is very clever and generous with his Corporate Amex card in the pub.

For the last month or so, many of the senor and middle ranking consultants where I work have squirreled themselves away in hushed meeting rooms; applying their mighty brains to this problem of defining just what it is we do. This introspection has taken priority over billable work, the theory being that once we know what exactly it is we do we will be able to do it much better and for a higher price. The company’s senior management believe in this sort of thing and encourage it.

The culmination of this great work took the form of an hour-long powerpoint presentation. J concludes his arcane lecture by saying what we do is “Define Rigorous Relationships”. Those of us still conscious at the end continue to stare in disbelief or defeat.

I imagine that if a stranger had been watching this presentation they would have no idea what it was about, nor even that the company is actually an advertising agency. I doubt that any of the clients who later saw the presentation felt any differently.

Later that night, I discussed the presentation with a colleague from my department:

He: Did you understand any of that presentation?

Me: No, did you?

He: Nope… So do you `Define Rigorous Relationships’?

Me: Err… I don’t think so.

He: Me neither… this is a load of rubbish.

Shortly after this meeting I took a much needed holiday. When I returned I learnt that J had made us all redundant; 5 Months later J announced that he had been `Head-Hunted’ to work for an exciting new-media agency.

Later I found out that he was on a 6-month notice period. His contract had been terminated shortly after my own. Later still I discovered that the company that he was supposed to have been appointed to had only ever engaged him on a part-time basis; and that as far as we all knew he too was unemployed. The ex-colleagues that I still keep in touch with all agreed that the man got what he deserved. One friend quipped:

“J has the Midas Touch in reverse: Every thing he touches turns to shit.”

Sal

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“5 down, 1,000,000,000 left to go…”

In May 2001, Peter Chung, a priapic recent Princetone graduate and a new employee of the Carlyle Group in South Korea sent an email about his numerous recent conquests back in New York. The rest is internet history – as was the unfortunate Mr Chung who soon found himself looking for a new job.

So I’ve been in Korea for about a week and a half now and what can I say, LIFE IS GOOD….
I’ve got a spanking brand new 2000 sq. foot 3 bedroom apt. with a 200 sq. foot terrace running the entire length of my apartment with a view overlooking Korea’s main river and nightline……Why do I need 3 bedrooms? Good question,…. the main bedroom is for my queen size bed,…where CHUNG is going to fuck every hot chick in Korea over the next 2 years (5 down, 1,000,000,000 left to go)…. the second bedroom is for my harem of chickies, and the third bedroom is for all of you fuckers when you come out to visit my ass in Korea. I go out to Korea’s finest clubs, bars and lounges pretty much every other night on the weekdays and everyday on the weekends to (I think in about 2 months, after I learn a little bit of the buyside business I’ll probably go out every night on the weekdays). I know I was a stud in NYC but I pretty much get about, on average, 5-8 phone numbers a night and at least 3 hot chicks that say that they want to go home with me every night I go out. I love the buyside,…. I have bankers calling me everyday with opportunties and they pretty much cater to my every whim – you know (golfing events, lavish dinners, a night out clubbing). The guys I work with are also all chilll – I live in the same apt building as my VP and he drives me around in his Porsche (1 of 3 in all of Korea) to work and when we go out. What can I say,…. live is good,… CHUNG is KING of his domain here in Seoul…..

So,…. all of you fuckers better keep in touch and start making plans to come out and visit my ass ASAP, I’ll show you guys an unbelievable time….My contact info is below…. Oh, by the way,… someone’s gotta start fedexing me boxes of domes,…I brought out about 40 but I think I’ll run out of them by Saturday…..

Laters,
CHUNG

Peter Chung
The Carlyle Group
Suite 1009, CCMM Bldg.

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Am I the worst boyfriend in the world?

When Trevor Luxton asked a few fellow employees at Credit Lyonnais the question “Am I the worst boyfriend in the world?” he could hardly have expected that within hours the whole world would be in a position to answer. Thanks to the power of the internet, however, that’s exactly what happened…

The message

Last night I was all geared up for a night in front of the telly watching football, having a ruby and a couple of beers while Jo’s still away. Suddenly I get a text from Laura my mates ex which says I’m coming round because I need to see you. So she comes round and we get chatting about all sorts of stuff and then we start kissing a[nd] fondling (as you do). Then I find my self sitting in the arm chair with a beer in one hand remote in the other, West ham on the box and Laura on her knees sucking my piece……..
Then the phone rings and it’s Jo who was bored at the airport………..

So now I’ve got my beer, Laura sucking and Jo chatting to me on the dog….. When Laura stops sucking looks up at me winks and whispers “say hello to Jo for me” and then gets back to the job in hand……..

Am I the worst boyfriend in the world or what?????

For those unfamiliar with UK slang:

Ruby = Curry
Piece = Male organ
Dog = Phone

This email was sent out on 2 October 2002 to five friends, within hours it had been read by millions, including several managers at Credit Lyonnais who suspended Luxton (with full pay). The unfaithful friend resigned a few weeks later, but fortunately, it did not spell the end of his relationship. His Mum told The Sun newspaper:

“He has just moved in with his fiancée. They are meant to be getting married as soon as they can get the money together. They have bought a house and he’s very worried about the mortgage.”

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