Usually only the main boss chooses and it’s invariably the boss’s favourite who wins rather than the most productive employee. And the boss’s favourite is almost always one of the people who can’t speak English – because, I suspect, they are unable to question his bizarre decisions and he therefore doesn’t regard them as troublemakers.

The best winner, however, was the Boss’s wife.

The one thing that Bingham hadn’t counted on was someone from his office telephoning his wife to offer condolences – and her telling them that the child was actually alive and well.

Bingham was quickly arrested by the local sheriff for obtaining property under false pretences – a charge with a maximum jail sentence of 10 years. He told a sheriff’s deputy that he made up the story to try to get time off from work, but, strangely, he was unable to explain why he had taken the money – and why, indeed, he had in fact continued to turn up at work.

Until quite recently it wasn’t too bad. You see I catch the number 38 bus from Clapton Pond in East London to the centre of town, and since my stop is the first, when the vehicle was an old fashioned route master bus, I was pretty much guaranteed a seat at the front of the top deck. From there I could daydream the journey away, enjoying the London scenery.

Even back then, there were, of course, a few alarming incidents. Like the time I was joined by a woman who spent most of the journey singing dreamily and cooing at her crack pipe as if it were a baby. And the time when a gang of youths relieved me of my personal possessions. During office party season there would also inevitably also be someone hanging off the rail at the back heaving up his guts, making my exit onto the street fraught with danger and bad smells.

However, it would be churlish to complain – especially since the journey was so blissful compared with what I have to put up with now.

You see, thanks to the advent of the new bendy buses, all the focus of the journey is now turned inwards. There’s no view out the windows and no escaping my fellow passengers. The best thing that can be said about whom (as the residents of London’s loopiest borough Hackney) is that they are never boring.

They are, however, far too many in number, far too lax in personal hygiene and far too ill-mannered when it comes to keeping I-pod volumes low, letting people in and out of the doors and making room for old ladies.

So far so similar to most other commuting experiences around the country, I imagine….

What sets my journey apart is the constant –and often realised – threat of violence coupled with the sheer madness of a small but very vocal minority of the passengers. These I have labelled in my head as The Woman Who Throws Bread At Me, The Man Who Shouts About Jesus, The Man Who Just Stares (scarily), The Man Who I’m Sure Stole My Wallet Once, The Man Who Sweats and The Woman Who Shakes. I think their titles give an idea of the kind of challenges they present on the way to work. They’re also sometimes accompanied by a very frightening person who wheels a rotting old doll around in a pram, lying on a bed of plastic bags, and a young city-boy who snorts cocaine from his Oyster card and says “oh fuck” every time he does so.

The heat and the psychic pressure built up by this combined mass of bodies and madness has also driven me to the point where I worry that I too am as crazy as the rest of them. Only the other day I heard someone crying in anguish “Will you please just give me a fucking break…” only to realise in horror that it was my own voice.

I think I should probably start cycling.

I had cause to use it almost as soon as I’d returned when I was lucky enough to be asked to an interview for what I regarded at the time as my dream job.

It was a first thing in the morning affair, and I was feeling pretty pleased with myself for my super-efficient waking and dressing. I’d moved so fast, indeed, that I’d managed to make an earlier train and was happily relaxed in my seat, contemplating a painless journey…

…Until I looked down at my trousers and noticed a few curious looking flecks of pale dust on them.

I flicked at the dust.

It didn’t disappear.

So I brushed at it – hard – with the flat of my hand.

It still didn’t disappear. Indeed, the brushing appeared to have made these curious flecks grow bigger.

Closer inspection revealed that it wasn’t dust on my precious and only suit. There were tiny holes in the material – and the pale patches were, in fact, my own legs. Perplexed, I looked closer and realised, in alarm, that moths had been eating at my trousers and that –to my horror – they’d found the region around the zip particularly tasty. To add to the unfortunate effect, my bright white boxers were shining through for all the world to see.

No matter how far down I pulled my jacket, I just couldn’t cover them.
I don’t know what it was that put the interviewers off. It could have been the fact that I was late, because, yes, in spite of my efforts, my train had conspired to deposit it me fifteen minutes after time. It could have been the fact that I was wearing crotch-less trousers. Or it could have been the nervousness that the knowledge of this fact caused in me.

Anyway, I didn’t get the job.

But things took a turn for the very worst when my guests – who were even newer to the metropolis than me – asked me to take them to a club. I knew of only one place – and I only knew of this because I’d been given a flier for it that morning when I was coming out of the subway.

I knew I’d made a mistake when we walked into the club (where there was no queue, which perhaps retrospectively, I should have taken as a bad sign) and there was a faint and very strange tang in the air. I couldn’t make much else out as the room was really dark, which in a sense I considered a blessing since that meant I didn’t have to make eye contact with anyone else.

I realised the true extent of my error when a shot light suddenly shone onto the stage in front of us and I saw a naked 16 stone man being lowered from the ceiling on hooks. There followed some horrible activity with a dwarf which it pains me to remember even now – and a prolonged and quite severe bout vomiting from a seriously unimpressed client. I haven’t been asked to ‘entertain’ since.

She is reported to have twice toured naked around Manchester’s upmarket Barca restaurant during an office Christmas lunch, allegedly for a £100 bet.

She then completed a third turn, with a cry of: “This one is for free!”

Her colleagues were said to be stunned when she accepted the challenge – and no doubt delighted when she dashed off to the lavatory, removed all of her clothes (apart from her socks), stuck one leg out of the door and shouted: “Here I come!”

Apeaking after the event, a BBC spokesperson said: “The BBC would not under any circumstances condone such behaviour.”

Fortunately, Ms Saxon kept her job.

Hanscom, who worked at the MSCopy print shop, noticed a truckload of G5 Macs being delivered to the campus, and took a picture of them to post on his blog under the title ‘Even Microsoft wants G5s’ accompanied by the description: “Three palettes of Dual 2.0Ghz G5’s on their way in to somewhere deep in the bowels of Redmond.”

Within a week Microsoft got wind of the photo and Hanscom’s boss informed him that he was “no longer welcome on the Microsoft campus.”

In spite of the many messages of support Hanscom received when he posted this news on his blog too – and the thousands of messages full of vitriol against the giant American corporation, the forgiving blogger said he did not blame them. “I goofed. I regret it, but the damage is done.”

To see the original picture, click here.

He was surprised to receive a reply entitled All Time Low and starting “Ok first — here is the e-mail I received from Tripp, the new guy I met last week.” Then he was no doubt horrified as he went on to read Callahan explaining how easy this ‘Tripp’ would be to drain of money: “Since we have not slept together, he will of course be trying to impress me and will, therefore, do anything I ask.”

Callahan had clearly hit the reply button instead of forward, an embarrassment that can only have been compounded by the fact that she went on to detail how a recent partner had fallen asleep on her during sex – and the fact that Tripp promptly forwarded the message on to a co-worker, James Salter. Salter forwarded it to others with the message: “Drop what you’re doing and read this. The following is an exchange between a friend of a guy that sits on our desk and a girl he took out on a date. Read from the bottom up. Oh my Lord.”

“Ugly dating scene in NYC,” observed one recipient Sam Greene, sending to several. “Sucks to be that girl this morning!”

Soon the email reached critical mass. “How fast until it hits the entire eastern seaboard?” one sender asked on the afternoon of the 6th, a Friday as he continued to forward it on.

The e-mail “seemed to have made its way around Wall Street”, wrote another.

On Monday morning it was still going. “These things spread fast, thought I’d help out,” one wrote.

By September 11, the e-mail had reached Britain and Spain. By September 12 it was in Australia, now containing the instruction:
“Like the rest of the world go straight to the bottom and read up.”

Readers are invited to do the same… it’s a classic of the form.

From: Tripp Murray
To: Mary B Callahan/US/ABAS/PwC@Americas-US.com
09/05/2002 10:01
Subject:

So are you off to the Bon Jovi show tonight in Times Square? Sounds like it is going to some turnout. What division of audit are you in for PWC?

Are you heading out tonight? A friend of mine is leaving for MBA School in France so, he is throwing himself a going away party at Park, ever been? What are the plans for this weekend, recovery from the long weekend or adding just a little more hurt to the situation?

TTFN,
Tripp Murray
Associate
TM Capital Corp.

From: mary.b.callahan@us.pwcglobal.com
[mailto:mary.b.callahan@us.pwcglobal.com]
Sent: Thursday, September 05, 2002 10:48 AM
To: Tripp Murray
Subject: All time low

Ok first — here is the e-mail I received from Tripp, the new guy I met last week. If you want to go out, perhaps we can get him to pay for drinks at the Park. Since we have not slept together, he will of course be trying to impress me and will, therefore, do anything I ask. Unlike John, who fell asleep during sex last night. I went over to his place last night around 11:30. We started having sex. When I noticed his eyes were closed for a little too long, I said “John wake up.” At which, point he shot up saying “what’d I miss.” Yes, I think that is a new low.

Let me know about tonight. I think you need company.

From: Tripp Murray
To: Christopher R Cattani
01:38 PM
Subject: FW: All Time Low

Please, read my email first. Then read her email, I think that she was forwarding my email to a friend but hit reply instead. You will love this

From: Jacqueline Kim…

Subject: The dish…

The update

Well…Mr. Casey O’Brien showed up at my door at about 8:15ish. Sporting a pair of cute jeans, a button up and a black jacket. For his outfit I would give him about a B. As for looks, he was cute but on the shorter side and his hair was a little too long. Far from a mullet but longer than I would prefer but let’s not dwell on that because he can kinda get away with it. So for looks, I would probably give him another B. Car- BMW, like I stated before. A great car, he’ll have to get and A for that. He gets and A+ for his manners and politeness. Marcie, he opened the car door everytime! Super polite. Overall general appearance will cap at a B+.

AS for the place we went to, another “A”. The Tasting Room is an excellent date place. I was never the wine connoisseur but I’m gradually thinking I could become one. We had 4 glasses each of different white wines and a cheese flight, which was the perfect food mecca to go with the wine. Place is awesome, I recommend all of you guys to attend this place for a night out with your man/woman. We also headed over to this place called the Black Duck. Another great place! The date place itself gets an overall “A”.

By the way Girls- this summer we must hang out on Randolph, so many awesome places!

I can go into great detail of what we talked about and such but, that would make for an extremely long email.

The date ended with me getting intoxicated but not like crazy intoxicated, but I was drunk. No hangovers. I’m assuming he was fairly intoxicated but since he was driving, I didn’t want to know, so I never asked.

By the way, as for myself, I get an overall A+ for how damn cute I looked. I sported a pair of fun longer Capri pants from Guess in a darker khaki color with my white shirt from Hanger 18, that has my lower back showing with my new cute fitted black jacket with empire sleeves from Armani. I was a BABE. He didn’t stand a chance. My worries of not being cute were so swept under the rug with the outfit I pulled off last night.

Before jumping to any conclusions, YES, I stayed the night, only because I semi passed out on his couch and he was polite to ask if I wanted to head home and I just said he could take me home in the morning, NOTHING happened. Honestly only a kiss derived from this date and it didn’t even happen at his place. I believe it might have been executed at the Black Duck but I’m not so sure on the exact time and location. But can I add, GREAT kisser. The date kiss gets an “A”. Really, I haven’t had that great of a kiss since, well we won’t go there but it has been a long time. I might have to go with the fact that I might have mastered the skill of French kissing, no joke. As long as I have potential to work with, I can execute a pretty intense kiss.

Lauren- you would have loved Casey’s attitude. Actually I think all of would have appreciated how he called me out on my stupid logic of thinking. Somehow, it came up on how random it was for us to meet and shit and how when he said the very first time we talked for me to give him a call and my response was, “Really, I’ll let you know now, I won’t call you, so I suggest you write my number down and give me a call”. Hence the wait of a week or so for his first initial call was due to my shallowness or whatever you would like to call my way of playing the field. Doesn’t really matter, he still called and I didn’t.

So, question is, where do I stand on the whole outlook of Mr. Casey O’Brien and the date…The car, the money, the job, the cute apartment, the boat-which by the way only seats 6 people, so I really don’t consider that really amazing, his mannerism and his great kiss will probably lock in another date but…I can tell you now unless he cuts his hair and sends me gifts, it won’t lead me to seek anything more than my 1st 30 year old FRIEND (Oh by the way, I think he’s only 29, but still, I’m rounding up). Plus, the summer is just around the corner and guys are EVERYWHERE, I need to keep the options open and my schedule free to lock in some other great summer flings…

Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed the day in the life of Miss Jackie Kim and please feel free to comment on my date, my outfit, the kiss, or whatever else. If you need any more major details of the date please contact me in one of the following ways: phone, email, personal visit or text messaging.

Oh, I might be heading to a Cubs game with him next week. We’ll see.

Oh by the way ladies- His cute friend Brian, is single and also a day trader.

Which by the way, being a day trader is pretty money, literally in a sense but he gets to throw on lounge wear for work and is home no later than Noon.

Are you kidding me? Where was being a day trader on career day in Elementary school?

________________
Jacqueline Kim
Major Gifts & Planned Giving
American Heart Association, Midwest Affiliate…

The subject of the assessment, Casey O’Brien later confirmed that this was a “pretty accurate” assessment of their evening together – and said they had even gone on a second date, until news of the increasingly infamous email terminated their budding relationship.

Meanwhile Jacqueline, who had put her office phone number as well as email contact details on the message, was inundated with enquiries from readers outraged by her singularly unromantic attitude (and near complete failure to comment on her date’s personality). Several of these correspondents claimed that they received the following standard reply:

The email that you are referring to was, indeed sent by me (along with a lot of cynicism) to my friends. I am sorry that it has been re-distributed and erroneously taken seriously so many times.

While I am sure that the email has offended you, I can assure you that your anger doesn’t equate to the feeling of being misunderstood by so many people you’ve never met. I will get over it, and hope you will to. Thanks for writing.

Sincerely,

Jackie

PS – Email is a powerful thing, I’ve learned my lesson and hope that many can learn from my mistake too. I do find it quite humorous that my original email has been rewritten by this time and does not even compare to the brief update that was originally written. I only deserve half the credit for my sarcastic email. The remaining props is rightly deserved to the many people I don’t know who have added a paragraph here and there and creatively put a spin on the original email.

Entitled “Impossible Is Nothing” the video is a seven-minute paean to the sheer awesomeness of Mr Vayner, together with his own philosophical musings on the theory of success – and how he is bound to achieve it.

Following on from a classic opening salvo where Aleksey appears to ask himself a question about how great he is (“Aleksey. You’re known as someone who has studied the principles of personal development for a long time. By allowing yourself to be guide by these principles, you’ve coincidentally become a model of personal development and an inspiration for many around you…”), we’re greeted with the inspiring sight of the young man lifting weights (495lbs if we believe the text on the screen!), serving a tennis ball (at 140mph!), performing a very difficult rotating jump while skiing, and – in an extended sequence – ballroom dancing with a skimpily clad lady, while himself wearing a tight black polo neck.

“‘If you’re going to work, work. If you’re going to train, train. If you’re going to dance, then dance, but do it with passion,” he proclaims before spinning the lucky girl around the room.

Elsewhere he advises his listeners to “Ignore the losers… When people tell you that you won’t be able to achieve something, cross them out of your life, because they’re directly interfering with your success.”

He also explains that “success is a mental phenomenon not a physical one. It must first be conceived internally before it manifests externally.”

So that’s clear.

Finally, wearing a white karate suit, he bows to camera, emits a piercing howl and smashes a pile of bricks with his bare hands. “Impossible is nothing,” he says again as the credits roll, naming him as “Aleksey Vayner, CEO and professional athlete.”

Sadly, for Aleksey, rather than gain him a job, when he submitted the video to financial services firm UBS AG, it instead won him international infamy.

The video quickly became an internet phenomenon as it was forwarded first around Wall Street (with helpful comments like ‘What NOT to do when looking for a banking job,’ ‘This is pure gold,’ and ‘Typical Yalie’) and then around the world.

His 11-page resume, meanwhile, added to his notoriety thanks to his claims that he was the CEO of his own investment firm, that he founded a charity helping young people, and that he could cure people using his knowledge of Chinese medicine.

Web cynics quickly began to claim that his ‘investment firm’ was a fake, and that it plagiarised its mission statement from another firm; that his ‘charity’ Youth Empowerment Strategies seemed strangely similar to an entirely unconnected charity – with exactly the same name; and that his self-published tome about the Holocaust (‘Women’s Silent Tears’) ‘borrowed’ entire sections from an online Holocaust Encyclopaedia.

Also disputed are Vayner’s assertions, printed in the college humour magazine Yale Rumpus, that he was once employed by the CIA and mafia and that he once gave tennis lessons to Harrison Ford.

Watch it on Youtube

And for those of you who weren’t fast enough, don’t have a high enough internet connection, here’s a complete transcript:

Impossible is Nothing

Titles:

Impossible is nothing

[Voice off camera] Aleksey. You’re known as someone who has studied the principles of personal development for a long time. By allowing yourself to be guide by these principles, you’ve coincidentally become a model of personal development and an inspiration for many around you…

[Camera fades in, Aleksey is sitting, slicked black hair, pursing his lips thoughtfully]

AV: Although success is different to every individual, it’s generally accepted that people are much happier when they grow, develop and are good at what they do.

[Now his name is on the screen in shimmering silver letters]

Interviewer: How does someone like yourself become very proficient in the fields much faster than others?

[cut back to his pensive face]

AV: Well thank you… I guess the first thing that the person needs to understand is that success is a mental transformation. It’s not an external event. To…be successful… you must first…know… exactly what you want to achieve. Second, you need to commit to the sacrifices that it will take to achieve your goal. And third, you must believe beyond any reasonable doubt that you will achieve your goals.

[Cut to shot of AV powdering his hands… Then his face looking red, sweaty]

To be able to reach for your goals with such a level of certainty and determination you need to be able to take care of the base first…

[Camera pans out. We see that AV is on a bench. Lifting weights! A concerned looking trainer stands behind him. A message on the screen says 140 pounds each].

…which is your physical conditioning.

[He lies back, takes the strain – and lifts!]

Failure can not be considered an option.

[He lifts! Lifts! Lifts!]

It has been my personal experience that your physical fitness reflects directly in your mental sharpness. And in the energy level that you have to take care of your tasks.

[He drops the weights]

If you train to provide your body with the level of energy and intensity it needs to pursue your tasks, you inadvertently train your mind too.

[Now he's bench pressing – writing on screen says 405 lbs]

Always push your limits. Always push your comfort zone. And as you train to expand and step outside your comfort zone you come to realise that the things that most people regard as impossible are actually completely within your grasp.

[495 lbs!]

Many people believe that successful people are lucky. I completely disagree with that notion. Successful people think in very specific values that create opportunities for them which they can seize. An average observer thinks that that’s luck.

[A new scene. He's ski-ing down a mountain. Text on screen says Olympic valley National Qualifier]

Luck doesn’t jump into anyone’s lap!

[The skier performs a jump, twists in the air]

Success requires persistence and perseverance, attention to detail and, of course, patience.

[He lands! The scene moves back to the interview chair, where he is smiling benignly]

People around you may tell you that you will not succeed. Ignore them!

[He's now on the tennis court]

When I was little, I couldn’t run. So many tennis coaches said that I couldn’t play tennis. When I mastered that, they said: “yeeeahh, but he’s a big guy…”

[On the screen he's punching the air, having just won a point]

“… and his reactions are terrible so he will never be a real player because he can’t serve and volley.” Hmmm.

[We see him serving. Text on the screen says 140mph. Lots of shots of volleying]

When people tell you that you won’t be able to achieve something, cross them out of your life, because they’re directly interfering with your success. Ignore the losers. Bring you’re A-game, your determination and your drive to the field and success will follow.

There’s another peculiar thing about success. Everything you do, you must pursue with your entire heart…

[Cut to Aleksey in a tightblack outfit, in a dance studio, spinning a scantily clad beauty on his arm]

… Live your life openly. Go all out for what you want to achieve and believe in. If you’re going to work – work. If you’re going to train – train. If you’re going to dance – dance. But do it with passion!

[Cheesy music plays – and he's dancing – glasses off!]

While physical training might make you stronger, and mentally sharper, things like dancing will teach you how to pursue your goals with your entire heart.

[Back to interview chair]

When all this is said and done, we come back to one fundamental truth: Success is a mental phenomenon not a physical one. It must first be conceived internally before it manifests externally.

[Cut to him standing in a white karate robe, glasses still on, behind a tower of bricks. He bows.]

Behind the clarity of your goals determination, persistence, passion patience – lies one main tenet. Napolean Hill said it best: “What you can conceive and believe, you can achieve. You must first believe beyond any reasonable doubt that success is possible. Remember to achieve success you must first conceive it and believe it. Impossibility is just another term, another opinion. It should have no bearing on your success whatsoever.

Remember, impossible…

[On screen, he shouts and raises his hand]

…is nothing!

[The bricks are split! He bows. Titles play to dramatic music. Titles read Aleksey Vayner CEO and professional athlete.]